Australia Day 2017 coincided with the long-awaited return of a good friend from overseas. Having spent several years exiled in the United Kingdom an assimilation strategy was clearly required, but what form should it take and what critical information did we need to impart to ensure she’d be accepted into polite (and not so polite) social settings.
© The Ponder Room
The first issue was easily addressed – what form?
A casual dinner party was convened on Australia Day with the offer of fireworks exploding nearby. With half a dozen close friends on hand we set about imparting the following advice.
Food
Reacquainting her with the current set of edible delicacies was going to be easy. Sure, we could have brought forth a plate of vegemite sandwiches, a pie, pavlova and beer but that would have been too simple. No, this was about highlighting what had changed during her absence. During her expulsion, strawberry topped pavlovas have been replaced by what had often been labelled Frankenstein Dessert – a broad range of concoctions loosely based on the humble donut.
We presented her with a stubby glass jar that housed a thick chocolate milkshake. The neck of the jar was covered in hundreds and thousands. She frowned.
Precariously balanced on top of the jar was a large donut topped with cream, Oreo sprinkles, gold-leaf shards and two plastic hypodermic needles filled with salted caramel sauce. The inevitable sugar rush kicked in about a quarter of the way through around about the same time as defeat was declared.
Drinks
When she asked for a glass of water we recoiled in horror explaining that the simple act of drinking a glass of tap water was now a sin. At the very least said liquid refreshment must be housed in a plastic water bottle, and said bottle must be carried about one’s person at all times. More importantly the plain water contents must be replaced with the universal health elixir, coconut water.
Expressing a strong dislike of coconut, which none of us could understand, she asked for a coffee instead, a flat white. We pointed out her social faux pas. The humble coffee had also undergone a revolution. Flat whites, cappuccinos and even lattes were fast becoming extinct, replaced instead by the more exotic green mocha tea or turmeric lattes. Her brow furrowed at the thought.
Pop-up
When someone suggested we head to the most recent pop-up she blushed until we explained that the term ‘pop-up’ was now heralded loud and proud, not mumbled in muffled tones by the owner of a size 10A Elle Macpherson bra. The term is now associated with all uber-cool venues, anything from a small bar housed in a disused shopping centre, to a set of sea containers piled high and covered with fairy lights. The presence of fairy lights adds another $2 to the price of the drinks.
Elizabeth Quay
The pop-up in question had sprung up at Elizabeth Quay which we clarified was a developing adult playground in the centre of town, not a front door key belonging to your friend Liz. Seeing her deep confusion persist we suggested she think of the area as Betty’s Jetty.
Clearways
On the way to the pop-up we pointed out a Clearway highlighting that it has recently become a code word for ‘designated revenue making area’. We added that it is imperative that she triple check the parking street signs especially in the city CBD before vacating her car. Should she park on the street while shopping or attending a meeting in the CBD, she must ensure she is back to her car well before the area becomes a clearway zone. When she laughed at the thought of laidback Perth becoming so time conscious we pointed out that being one second late would see her confronted with an empty parking space and a bill for $400 plus a cab fare to retrieve said vehicle. Her rebuff that she could explain herself out of a ticket we pointed out that any attempt would be useless. Past attempts including the excuse of Russell Crow serenading you with a poem while Hugh Jackman taught you a Peter Allen rumba had fallen on deaf ears.
Whilst sitting under the fairy lights of the pop-up we explained further …
Movies
Should she be invited to movie she would be required to pack a rug, picnic basket and vat of mosquito repellent. All movies are now viewed ala natural. Her wide-eyed expression had us quickly correcting our mistake – movies are now viewed in the open air, not in the buff.
Television
If she couldn’t be bothered packing up half the kitchen just to see a film it was acceptable to invite friends home. However, anything less than a separate minimalist cinema room was not acceptable. And is she was thinking of having a quiet night in watching her favourite Australian drama on free to air she would be mistaken. Well-crafted free to air television dramas have been replaced with a plethora of Reality shows interspersed with advertisements for STAN and NETFLIX where your beloved shows now reside. There is one exception, The ABC, which has become the bastion of Australian cutting edge drama and comedy. We had to explain this twice.
Dress standards
We explained that at the height of the mining boom fluorescent shirts could be relied upon as a subliminal signal – the young man in front of you was most likely well on his way to being a millionaire or at least the proud owner of a four-wheel drive, a motorbike and a jet sky. As a consequence, the Fluro was deemed suitable attire at even the best restaurants. Now that the market has turned they’ve been relegated back to their original six am to four pm existence.
Living arrangements
Having only been back in Perth for a month she was bunking down with friends and looking for ‘a little unit’. Two of our friends ran from the room table screaming holding their ears to block out any further obscenities. Two bedroom one bathroom establishments are now called ‘apartments’ we corrected, especially if they’re located in the central CBD, and definitely if they’re with 500 metres of a clearway. She nodded in understanding.
Social Media
Boredom has become a thing of the past in Western Australia and any mention of the term ‘dullsville’ is meet with chagrin. The endless turnover of small bars, pop-up outlets and community events means an admission of boredom is an indication that you’re just not trying hard enough. Should she decide to continue along that road we urged her to avoid social media, as two minutes on Facebook would show her how pitiful her existence was compared to ger friends.
As the donut sugar rush showed no signs of abating anytime soon we settled in for a long evening convinced that our friend was now better equipped to take her place in Western Australian social circles replete of faux pas.
